It’s that time of year again: a couple of weeks before Christmas, the moment when you’ve realised you haven’t done all the Christmas shopping you need to do.
Rather than traipsing around the high street trying to find the perfect gift sets of socks and bath salts, why not get your family some cool pieces of tech this year? Or if that plan fails, why not get them something from this list instead?
We've gathered together some of the stupidest gadgets on the market - gadgets so stupid, in fact, that we totally think you should still buy them for your relatives.
A self-heating butter knife
Sometimes, butter is just too darn cold, am I right? Luckily the SpreadTHAT! butter knife is here - a culinary gadget that warms up on its own, and thus lightly warms up the food it's handling.
It's meant to be for spreading butter, but we see no reason why you can't use it to grill vegetables while you slice them as well. We also imagine it's pretty popular among the violent murderer demographic.
Buy it for: The family member with the fewest vendettas against other family members.
Light bulbs for your living room that let you change their colour with a smartphone app
Oh, the Internet of Things. With a Philips Hue kit, you can install light bulbs in your home and control them remotely with a smartphone app. That's not stupid at all, but check this out: you can also change what colour light they project.
This kind of setup is no doubt vital for setting the mood at dinner parties, recreating sepia photographs, or holding a very subdued disco. With the help of an app like IFTTT, it's even possible to make the lights automatically change colour to match the album art of the music you're listening to. Which is obviously something we all want.
Buy it for: A moody teenager who will appreciate the chance to have their room lit up the colour of blood.
An egg cooker that makes long eggs on a stick
If you're an egg fan (and who isn't?), we bet you're constantly on the lookout for new ways to cook eggs. You'll have tried poached eggs, scrambled egg, eggs in a salad, eggs sliced with a self-heating knife, omelettes, frittatas… but have you tried a long egg lollipop?
The Brunchee Egg-Master conveniently beats your eggs for you, mushes them into a cylindrical shape around a bamboo skewer, and cooks it like that. Bon appetit.
Buy it for: The most adventurous eater of the family. Or a student. Any student.
A collar tag that lets your dog post to twitter
Does your dog have a strong social media brand? Didn't think so. That's because it hasn't got a Puppy Tweets dog tag that sends your dog's thoughts to Twitter.
The tag senses your canine's movements, sends a message to a USB stick connected to your computer, and posts a tweet. So for instance, if Rover barks, he might then tweet: "Bark… and the whole neighbourhood barks with you!"
Unfortunately dogs can't post pictures, reply to people, or boost their tweets, so their odds of a good Twitter brand are still pretty slim.
Buy it for: The family dog, of course. If you have multiple dogs, give it to the most technologically inept one.
A USB fork that vibrates when you're eating too fast
Whoa there, slow down with those long eggs! The team behind HAPIfork have decided that eating too quickly is bad for you for some reason, and they've created this judgemental piece of cutlery to combat the problem.
Whenever the fork senses that you're eating too fast, it lights up and vibrates, making your food fall off and land in your lap lit up by a vivid spotlight. It's even Bluetooth-enabled, so you can connect it to your smartphone and see your munching stats in real time - because who wouldn't want to do that?
Buy it for: Your dad. He'll be obligated to eat Christmas dinner with it, and it'll be hilarious.
A ring that sends smartphone notifications to your finger
Bring the digital to your digits. The Mota SmartRing is probably the ugliest piece of jewellery you'll ever see, partly because you can hook it up to your smartphone and get your notifications on the ring's little LCD screen.
Of course, just because it's ugly doesn't mean it isn't useful - it's great for keeping track of your texts when your phone is in another room. Plus, it means you'll be notified the instant the dog posts a new tweet.
Buy it for: Your long-term girlfriend or boyfriend. Nothing says "marry me" like an SMS straight to the finger.